Expressing Your Sympathy: How to Send a Meaningful Condolence Message

What is a condolence message?

Condolence messages offer acknowledgement, sympathy and support to those who are hurting. The word condole comes from the Latin con (with) and dolore (sorrow).

When we share a condolence message we are expressing sympathy or empathy for the pain someone is feeling.

Condolence messages are often sent following the death of a friend’s loved one including through miscarriage or stillbirth. Condolences may also be expressed following other tragic events such as diagnosis of terminal illness or serious disease, job loss or end of relationship, or simply whenever someone is going through a difficult time.

The simplest condolence messages can be only an acknowledgement and expression of sympathy such as:

“I’m sorry”
“I’m sorry for your loss”
“Thinking of you”
“I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help”

My condolences

The phrase “my condolences” is often used to express sympathy to a person in pain who has experienced loss. When you say “my condolences” you are saying that you share in their painful feelings.

General etiquette and tips for expressing condolences

While there are no fixed rules and much will depend on your relationship to the person grieving, there are some general principles to keep in mind when offering a condolence message.

It’s not about you. Remember the point of a condolence message is to provide comfort to a person in pain. They will be dealing with a lot, their emotions are high and they will be extra sensitive to just about everything. Focus on them, and the positive memories of their loved one. If you are hurting too that may be ok to mention but now is not the time to make it about you.
Be sincere and heartfelt in your message. Be careful about using cliches or platitudes. If it’s just a short phrase that’s probably ok and sometimes cliches are cliches for a reason – they are helpful -, but consider how the person may receive it.
Be respectful and considerate of the griever’s feelings and beliefs. Avoid mentioning sensitive topics or controversial opinions. Do they have cultural traditions, or particular beliefs about religion or the afterlife? If you are unsure, better to tread carefully. Ask a mutual friend or family member if you can.
Send it to the right person. It may be that your relationship was to the deceased and you would like to send a message to their family. It is generally advisable to send this to their next of kin. This will be their spouse, if still surviving, or eldest child otherwise. Be sure to include acknowledgement of all the family.
Be timely in sending your message. If possible, send your message as soon as you hear about the person’s loss, or within a few days at most.
But better late than never (within reason). If you are close to bereaved, then there may be an expectation you make contact. If you are late, you may need to apologize and yes, this may be awkward. But not doing so could be hurtful and lead to longer term strife.
Be specific and personal in expressing your condolences. Mention the person’s name and the loved one who has passed away, and express your condolences in a sincere and heartfelt way. For example, instead of saying “I am sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.”, you could say “Dear [Name], I am so sorry for your loss of [Loved One]. I know how much [Loved One] meant to you, and I am here to offer my heartfelt condolences and support. [Loved One] was a wonderful person, and I will always remember [specific memory or trait of Loved One]. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.”
If you are able to offer help or assistance, make sure to mention this in your message. Offer to help with practical tasks, such as organizing a memorial service or providing meals, or simply offer to be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. For example, instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything.”, you could say “Dear [Name], I am so sorry for your loss. I know that this is a difficult time for you and your family, and I am here to offer my support and assistance. I would be happy to help with organizing the memorial service, or to provide meals or other practical help. I am also available to listen and to offer emotional support if you need it. Please let me know how I can help.”
If you are sending your message via email, make sure to include the person’s name and the loved one who has passed away in the subject line or opening of your message. This will help the person to easily identify your message and to understand the context and purpose of your message.
Be respectful of the person’s privacy and boundaries. Avoid sharing details or information about the person’s loss or grief on social media or with others without their permission. If you are sharing a message of condolences on social media, make sure to check the person’s privacy settings and to respect their wishes about who can see and comment on your message.
Be patient and understanding if the person does not respond to your message or if they take a while to do so. Grieving individuals may not be able to respond to messages immediately, and they may need time and space to process their emotions. Avoid pressuring or pestering the person to respond, and avoid taking their silence or delay as a personal rejection or offense.
Be gracious if the person does not respond in a way that you’d hoped. A person in pain may lash out and be unkind towards you, deserved or not, for how they perceive your behavior. Before being defensive or attacking back, take some breaths and step away for some time. They may well be out of line, but try to avoid inflaming the situation. Sometimes the best response is nothing, or simply “I’m sorry”.
Be sensitive and supportive if the person does not want to receive further messages or contact from you. Respect their wishes and give them the space and time they need to grieve in their own way.

When not to send a condolence message?

There are circumstances when it is not appropriate to send a condolence message. In these cases, saying nothing is the better approach. Use your judgment – is your message likely to aggravate, or be perceived as out of place? If you are still not sure, explain the situation to a trusted third party (especially a mutual acquaintance) and seek their advice.

You have already expressed your sentiments in person. If you have spoken with the person individually and are comfortable with what you have already said then there is no further obligation to offer a message. However if there is a particular event, for example a funeral or memorial service, this may be another opportunity to share a card or note.
You had a particularly strained relationship with the person who passed away. A condolence message under these circumstances may come across as insincere, and would be received negatively. If you still want to express sympathy it would be better to avoid the reason your friend or family member is hurting, and just focus on that hurt. Be extra careful that what you say won’t be taken as “rubbing it in”. For example:
- I know you’re hurting right now, and I’m here for you if you need me.
Too much time has passed. There are limits to the amount of time when it is appropriate to offer condolences. Generally the less close you are to the person who is grieving, the less obligation you have to offer condolences, and the stranger it will be for them to receive a sympathy message too long after the event. If you are close and have neglected to offer sympathy, it may be better to wait for another appropriate occasion, for example the birthday of the deceased, Christmas or the anniversary of their death.
You are not particularly close to the deceased or to the bereaved. If there is no particular context for bringing up the loss, then it may be better to say nothing. For example, if you are aware that a distant coworker has lost a loved one, it may not be appropriate to express sympathy unless they bring it up directly with you. In those cases, a simple “I’m sorry to hear” is appropriate.
You are not on good terms with the bereaved. If there is a deep rift between you and the person feeling hurt it is probably better to just leave it. Hearing from you may cause more discomfort when they are least able to handle it. Expressing sympathy is primarily about making the other person feel better, not you. If there are feelings you want to express, one method may be to write the letter but don’t send it. Throw it in the trash, burn it, or mail it to a non-existent address if it makes you feel better.
You are on similar footing with the person experiencing loss. I.e. you both feel the pain equally. A sister is unlikely to send a traditional condolence message to a brother for the loss of their mother. There will be deep feelings to express for sure, but these are likely to be on both sides of the relationship and a traditional condolence message is not so appropriate. There may be situations where one sibling is particularly close however, for example if they are living with the parent, and they may feel the loss extra keenly.

How should I send a condolence message?

Traditionally it was common to send a sympathy card with a short message of condolence. While this is still an option, these days other forms of communication are more common, email, text message or social media message like Facebook Messenger, Instagram Direct Message or WhatsApp. Private messages are likely to be more appropriate rather than posting on a public or semi-public timeline.

Sometimes you may be notified of a death in a group email. If you are responding directly to the notification make sure to reply-all, or CC anyone not directly involved.

However, depending on the circumstances, use of modern communication methods may be less appropriate. For example, an elderly grandfather may be less comfortable with these forms of technology. In these cases a written note or card is preferable. If you already have an established channel of communication with the individual, use that.

If you are sending a physical note or card, make sure to legibly sign your full name and include a return address in case they want to reply with a thank you or acknowledgement.

What not to say when expressing condolences

When sending condolence messages, it is important to avoid making the message about yourself or your own experiences. It is also important to avoid saying anything that might come across as insensitive or trivializing the person’s loss. Avoid making assumptions about the person’s beliefs or feelings, and avoid offering unsolicited advice or platitudes. It is always best to simply offer your sincere condolences and support.

Some specific phrases to avoid:

“I know how you feel” – This can come across as insincere and dismissive of the person’s unique experience.
“At least they lived a long life” – This can minimize the person’s grief and make it seem like their loss is not significant.
“God has a plan” – This can be offensive or insensitive to those who do not share the same religious beliefs or points of view.
“Everything happens for a reason” – This can make the person feel like their loss was somehow justified or pre-determined, which can be hurtful.
“They are in a better place now” – This can make the person feel like their loss is insignificant because their loved one is now in heaven. It can also imply that the person’s grief is somehow misplaced or unnecessary.

Should I text a condolence message?

Text messaging, or WhatsApp are appropriate channels to send condolences in many cases, particularly if you already communicate with the affected person in that way. If you do not already text each other, consider the other person’s level of tech-savy. In some cases a physical note may be more appropriate.

Make sure to clearly sign off with your full name so they know who is sending the message. This is also a good idea if you haven’t texted in some time, as people may have changed phones and lost their contacts.

While anything is better than nothing, consider if you should also send a physical card or note. This will depend on your level of closeness.

What if I don’t hear back?

Don’t worry if it takes some time to hear back from your message. The individual is likely to have a lot going on, they will be receiving messages from many people and may be under considerable stress. It is also possible that they don’t reply at all.

If you choose to send a follow up message, be careful not to sound demanding or to embarrass the other person for not responding. Something like “I’m still thinking about you, hope you are doing ok” is better than “Did you get my message? I haven’t heard from you.” They are going through a difficult time, it is understandable if some manners slip.